Five Steps to Getting on National TV … the Easy Way!

1. Always be available. Your job as a budding guru is to be TV ready, 24/7. I accomplish this by designating a chosen ‘TV Station of the Week’ and then setting up my yurt just outside. (If you get moved off the sidewalk, you can always decamp to a nearby parking lot and set up once more.) They key is to be there, head shot in hand, when the top brass come by.

2. Get to know the top brass. As you’re lingering outside the studios, use your psychic and intuitive abilities to determine who’s running the company. If that fails, be sure to check the shoes - the ones in the Bally loafers are usually the top executives. And if that fails, you can always poke around the trash, read their mail, and ask the fellows wearing sneakers who come out the door. They’ll tell you anything you need to know.

3. Be concise - don’t waste their time. I do this by simply cutting right to the chase. Instead of launching into a lengthy PR pitch, I simply transmit my story idea telepathically. Then I simply say, ‘Isn’t that a marvelous idea?’

4. Understand that your job is to be of service. Media people are under enormous stress and tight deadlines - so offer to come in and lead a group meditation, or offer Aural cleansing in the newsroom. Suggest a coffee enema instead of a coffee break. They’ll love you for it!

5. If that doesn’t work, try poison. Just the teensiest grain of arsenic will completely disable the critical faculty. Bring along a lovely batch of carefully laced, whole grain brownies, and offer them to your new friends at the top. Make sure they receive your media kit, with story ideas, at the same time. Who can resist a homemade brownie?