My Top Ten New Year’s Assertions

Personally, I don’t much believe in all those resolutions that get bandied about at New Years. They are meant to ‘resolve’ a problem, and how often do any of us actually stick to them and make them work?

Instead, I like New Year’s assertions. They begin with the positive premise that you didn’t do anything wrong, you have nothing to improve, and here’s simply what you’re going to do next. Better, don’t you think? Frankly, I’m just not good at wallowing in shame.

Here are my assertions for 2006:

1. I will finally get those dolts who book Oprah to lift their cease and desist order against me.
2. I will communicate with my mother telepathically more often, thus saving long distance charges and tedious conversation time.
3. I will develop the Indigenous Prairie Grass Fasting Diet and approach major publishers and literary agents with this big idea
4. I will no longer buy kitchen utensils from infomercials, especially since all I ingest is Indigenous Prairie Grass. So I’m basically I’m all set once I finish making payments on the juicer
5. I will alter my reality using the power of affirmations so the creditors who keep trying to contact me about my debt drop into a hole in the earth and die

And that’s it! My, I feel just marvelous getting this all written out.

So what are yours?